Why Didn’t She Leave? Ask Why He Hit Her.
By Trinity Barnette
We live in a culture that demands survivors justify their pain. Every time a woman speaks out about abuse, the world looks at her with suspicion. “Why didn’t she leave?” they ask—like survival is a simple decision, like the violence wasn’t calculated, or the manipulation wasn’t psychological warfare. But here’s the truth: that question is the wrong one. The real question—the only question—is why did he hit her? Why do we expect victims to escape, but not abusers to stop?
The Myth of the Easy Exit
Leaving isn’t just hard. It’s dangerous. Statistics show that the most lethal time for a domestic violence victim is when they try to leave. Abusers don’t lose power gracefully—they tighten their grip. And even if there’s no physical threat, emotional and financial abuse trap victims in cycles of dependency. The world says “just walk away,” but offers no support when she’s broke, isolated, traumatized, or parenting alone.
Cultural Victim-Blaming
When we ask why she stayed, we imply complicity. That maybe she wanted it. That maybe it wasn’t that bad. And those assumptions feed the silence. Survivors stop speaking out not because they lack strength—but because they know what comes next: disbelief, interrogation, and shame. The spotlight always lands on the woman, while the man slips back into society, reputation intact.
Why He Hit Her—The Question That Actually Matters
Ask about his entitlement. His control. Ask how society raised him to see women as objects, not equals. Ask how many times he saw abuse ignored or excused growing up. Ask who taught him that anger was power and vulnerability was weakness. Ask why he thought she owed him anything—and why no one taught him better.
Systems That Fail Survivors
Even if she does leave, the systems are stacked against her. Police often dismiss domestic violence. Courts may grant joint custody to abusers. Landlords don’t break leases for safety. Employers fire women for “drama” when abusers show up at work. The world tells her to be brave, but punishes her when she is.
Final Thoughts: Flip the Narrative
“Why didn’t she leave?” is lazy, cowardly, and cruel. Survivors don’t need interrogation—they need belief, protection, and resources. They need us to stop romanticizing their resilience and start questioning the culture that breeds abusers. We need to flip the script—for every survivor who stayed silent because no one ever asked the right question.
The Stark Reality of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is alarmingly prevalent. In the United States, nearly 1 in 3 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. This translates to approximately 20 people per minute—over 12 million individuals annually—suffering abuse from an intimate partner.
Pregnancy and Increased Risk
Pregnancy should be a time of joy and anticipation, yet for many women, it becomes a period of heightened danger. A recent national study presented at the Society for Maternal-Fetal Medicine’s annual meeting revealed that homicide and suicide are the leading causes of maternal death in the United States. Over an 18-year period, 11% of maternal deaths were due to these violent causes, with 61% resulting from homicides and 39% from suicides. Notably, 55% of these violent deaths involved firearms. 
This alarming data highlights the intersection of domestic violence and maternal health. Pregnant women are at a significantly increased risk of experiencing fatal violence, often at the hands of intimate partners. The study emphasizes the need to redefine maternal mortality to include deaths by homicide and suicide, acknowledging the profound impact of domestic violence during pregnancy. 
By shifting the focus from questioning victims to addressing the actions of perpetrators and the societal structures that enable such violence, we can work towards creating a safer environment for all women, especially those who are pregnant.
The risk is disproportionately higher for Black women, who face substantially greater danger compared to their white or Hispanic counterparts. This underscores the intersection of racial and gender-based violence, highlighting an urgent need for targeted interventions.
The Lethality of Leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most perilous time for a victim. Abusers may escalate their behavior to maintain control, leading to increased violence. This escalation contributes to the grim statistic that homicide is a leading cause of death during pregnancy and the postpartum period.
Societal Responsibility
The prevalence of domestic violence and its fatal consequences during pregnancy highlight a societal failure to protect vulnerable individuals. It’s imperative to shift the focus from questioning victims to holding perpetrators accountable and addressing the systemic issues that enable such violence.
A Call to Action
The statistics are more than just numbers—they represent lives lost and families shattered. It’s time to move beyond awareness and take concrete actions:
Support Legislation: Advocate for laws that protect victims and hold abusers accountable.
Fund Support Services: Ensure shelters, counseling, and financial assistance are available for those seeking to escape abusive situations.
Educate Communities: Implement programs that teach about healthy relationships and the signs of abuse.
Challenge Cultural Norms: Address and change the societal attitudes that perpetuate victim-blaming and excuse abusive behavior.
By taking these steps, we can work towards a future where no one has to choose between their safety and their life.
