Forgiveness Isn’t a Requirement. Especially Not for Survivors

By Trinity Barnette

Let me say this clearly:

Survivors don’t owe forgiveness.

Not to their abuser.

Not to the people who protected them.

Not to the world that allowed it to happen.

And definitely not to the ones who tell them “everything happens for a reason.”

Because it didn’t.

It happened because someone made a choice—to harm, to violate, to dehumanize.

There is no deeper lesson wrapped in violence.

There is no divine plan in someone else’s trauma.

The Aftermath Is a Battlefield

Rape and sexual assault don’t end when the act is over.

They linger.

In flashbacks.

In nightmares.

In the way a survivor tenses up when they hear a familiar voice.

In the way they scan every room for exits.

In the way their body doesn’t feel like their own anymore.

That’s PTSD.

That’s trauma.

That’s what survivors carry—while the world keeps asking them to be “strong” or “move on.”

Sometimes, they don’t even remember the event until years later.

Sometimes, they do—and wish they didn’t.

Triggers Aren’t Weakness. They’re Wounds That Haven’t Healed

Let’s talk about triggers.

It’s not just someone being “sensitive.”

It’s not just “overreacting.”

Triggers are reminders of pain. Of danger. Of survival mode.

Seeing your abuser. Hearing their name.

A certain smell. A song. A phrase. A tone of voice.

Even being asked to talk about what happened can rip everything open again.

So when people say, “You need to confront it,” or “You should reach out and make peace”—

No.

That is not healing.

That is not peace.

That is retraumatization dressed up as advice.

Forgiveness Is Personal. It’s Not the Finish Line for Healing.

Some survivors choose to forgive.

And some never will.

Both are valid.

Forgiveness is not proof of growth.

It’s not the end goal.

It’s not a badge of honor.

It’s a personal choice. A private one. And it belongs only to the survivor.

No one else gets a say.

Not your therapist.

Not your pastor.

Not your family.

Not your followers.

And sure as hell not the person who hurt you.

Stop Telling Us “Everything Happens for a Reason”

That phrase?

It’s a silencer.

It’s what people say when they don’t want to sit with the discomfort of reality.

When they want to wrap pain in a neat little bow so they can sleep at night.

But survivors don’t need bows.

We need space.

We need rage.

We need truth.

And most of all—we need people to stop spiritualizing violence.

There is no “reason” good enough for what some of us endured.

No character arc that makes it worth it.

No moral lesson that required our suffering.

Let Survivors Choose Their Own Ending

The world wants survivors to be palatable.

Quiet. Grateful. Forgiving.

But sometimes we’re loud.

Sometimes we’re angry.

Sometimes we don’t forgive.

And that’s okay.

Because forgiveness isn’t healing.

Safety is.

Validation is.

Justice is.

Freedom is.

So if you’re a survivor reading this, let me remind you:

You don’t have to forgive.

You don’t have to explain.

You don’t have to perform peace for people who weren’t there when it happened.

This is your story.

Your timeline.

Your decision.

And no one else gets to write your ending but you.